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I'm self conscious
Well, today, I've got... nothing. No angst — no ecstasy either — just nothing.
It's a funny thing, that.
As I sit down and reach inward to uncover, explore, and articulate the emergent experience of this moment, I come up... empty handed.
But surely there can't be nothing going on in there, can there?
With all the suffering, turmoil, passion, joy, ecstasy, accomplishment, failure, hope, despair, sensation, and experience...
How can I possibly be currently experiencing... nothing at all?
As I breathe, deepening my incredulous inquiry... turning up my interceptive volume knob, giving more space to hear answers speaking in a quieter voice than the ones so often shouting at me to be heard...
I find that what arises is a sort of resigned, saddened, tenacity.
An elder in my life used to have a saying whenever you asked them how they were doing, they'd reply:
"I'm just doin'!"
I think I just found a whole new understanding of what they might have meant.
Right now: I'm not good. I'm not bad... Or rather, I suppose, I'm very many of these things!
Another loved one often responds to the question of how he's doing with the single word
"variously."
But the prevailing experience for me today is simply about just... doing.
Not denying or erasing the various elements of my life I might categorize as good or bad, exciting or fearful. Not attempting to suppress any emotion or sensation.
But simply feeling, more than anything else, a desire to move through this day at apace. The rhythm and consistency of my movement through the needful things of this present moment are by far the primary focus of my current attentional awareness.
And for once... the emotions, sensations, impressions, thoughts... they're all just not the point right now, internally.
To be honest, it's rather a nice feeling.
So much of the time, they're so loud, they can't help but be the point — often to the detriment of the rhythm of a day, to the detriment of the desired or required doings of the present moment!
And yet, for whatever reason, for today, I am able to bask in the rare experience of just simply doing... and that feels great.
As I realize the fullness of how this feels, I give myself another few moments of quiet and breath, taking in what it feels like to have the quiet space I'm opening up not immediately filled by a million voices of need and emotion and sensation as it so often is.
The gratitude I feel for having that extra space.
And to be clear, there is a tinge of sadness on the edges of this quietude and spaciousness: an awareness of all the moments that don't feel this way, and all the choices both healthful and detrimental that have led to this momentary experience of peace.
Because of course, eventually I have no doubt as I continue just doing, I trust there will be, as there always is, another rush: a swell of emotion of some sort or another.
And when it comes, I hope to keep seeking greater harmony between the two: the introspecting, exploring, feeling... and the just doing.
So often, they seem diametrically opposed inside of me.
And yet, with both of them around in a sort of homeostatic balance, an ebb and flow, give and take — anchored through these moments of quiet, inner, spaciousness...
What a beautiful life that would seem to me to be.
I don't know...
What do you think?
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