👇 click
❣️ Are you a current client? First time here?
I'm self conscious
At this point, I'm becoming increasingly certain that I may be trapped in my own custom tailored Matrix-like purgatory.
If Sartre's Hell was Other People, I think mine might be Comparative YouTube Videos...
There's this book I read as a child. It's called The Phantom TollBooth, and in it there's one character that's always stuck with me — or rather there's one act brought about by this one character that's never left me.
The character is called The Terrible Trivium.
And the task he asks our hero to help him complete is to move a pile of sand from one place to another — grain by grain — using a pair of tweezers.
Again and again in my life, I find myself deep diving down rabbit holes of preparatory tasks I believe at first to be deeply meaningful, only to find myself days, weeks, sometimes months later feeling completely sucked in by them, consumed by them, and with very little, if not nothing to show for it. And it always somehow relates to the trappings, tools, and techniques associated with a certain meaningful project or undertaking I wish to embark upon.
Whether it's finding the best website builder, the best online course builder, the best podcast host, the best microphone for that podcast, the best blog host, the best video editor, the best note taking app, the best note taking technique, the best all in one... Whatever, the best way to organize quotes, the best way to highlight quotes, the best way to do something with the quotes you've highlighted after you organize them...
A particularly insightful, incisive, and painfully poignant quote from the Terrible Trivium is when he reveals his reason for being — his foundational argument:
"If you only do the easy and useless jobs, you'll never have to worry about the important ones... which are so difficult. You just won't have the time. For there's always something to do to keep you from what you really should be doing."
So, okay, I've been through this tweezer squeezing, grain of sand transporting act enough times to see that — well — I devote exponentially more time to the trappings of the creative act than to the act itself.
What is so terrifying that I have to cram full every moment of my time sinking into the consumer capitalist wonderment of comparison videos and free trials, ordering and returning and canceling and signing up... Abandoning this service when I discover it doesn't have that one feature I really need and moving over to this service, which does that better, but misses out on this... before I ultimately realize that the feature most important for me to fully express my creative vision... Well... it seems that actually this is missing that feature. ... Why did I cancel that first service again? Maybe that really was the right one... ultimately...
What is so terrifying?
I suppose... upon reflection... Everything.
Everything to do with the act of simply saying, "good enough." Good enough for now, good enough to begin, good enough to engage in the hard work of the thing itself. Trusting the value of the work will shine through the imperfection of the tool.
Because that's the other thing: while all of this obsessive researching, comparing, and trying out unfolds, I drink less water. I move my body less. I eat poorly, I sleep more irregularly. All of the structures that support my greatest wellbeing and creativity begin to crumble in service of the pursuit of the tool sets that will most perfectly aid the manifestation of my greatest wellbeing and creativity...
I've been through it enough times by now to see it... It's not really that subtle, if I'm honest.
However, it would seem I might need just a few more times through this initially appealing and ultimately tortuous pantomime before I'm ready to find a different way to support myself in facing the fear inherent in my creative manifestation day today.
Cuz there's this one app that I think really might work better... I'm just gonna pull up this one video before bed...
I don't know...
What do you think?
Support my work below if you feel called to do so.
Sign up & comment below to contribute to the conversation...
All book links are affiliate links that help support my work at no cost to you ❤️ For non-Amazon affiliate links, visit daniel jacob's shelf 📚
Comments